


My Heart is Yours

by mehg_art



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, kinda short, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28667718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mehg_art/pseuds/mehg_art
Summary: “I want to live”Two boys with broken hearts yet both of them are yearning to heal eachother.Patient Kenma & Doctor Kuroo
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 67
Kudos: 631





	My Heart is Yours

**Author's Note:**

> First, it just started with my artwork of patient Kenma and doctor Kuroo on insta but here we are with a whole fic. I didn’t expect that people would want a fic about it. So I asked my bestfriend who likes writing, to help me make this story happen. Disclaimer: we are no professionals in writing! We just wanted to do this for fun and also give the people what they want:))   
> So yeah I hope you enjoy this story<3
> 
> For more art for this fic visit my insta @mehg.art !

“I want to help you”

Kenma’s mind was slumped. Papers containing his appointment schedules to the hospital were everywhere. He felt exhausted, drained and mentally tired. His mind was on a rogue from overthinking too much that it drained the life out of him. He felt lifeless as he laid down on his soft mattress with his pillows everywhere.

“Another appointment tomorrow” He mumbled to himself as he gets his phone to set an alarm for 8:00 a.m. so he could at least be early to not worry his bedridden mother. He sighed heavily and felt as if the whole world was on his shoulders, not really caring if he could die from his condition right now.

Kenma was suffering of heart failure. He knew when he was just 12 years old when his mother decided to tell him as he just got home from playing with his friends that ever since the latter was born, he’d been special and the little boy thought it was a good kind of special (the ones that dealt with having superpowers and whatnot) and as a child with a growing imagination, all of his dreams went to the bin together with his enthusiasm and optimism for a better and longer life as his mother’s words kept replaying in his mind like a broken record, “You have a special heart, Kenma” and of course, Kenma was a child but he wasn’t stupid enough to not know the underlying meaning behind his mother’s words. He felt numb as the words were echoing inside him. 

As much to say, Kenma never had real friends. There were friends that only wanted to play with his gadgets but as soon as they broke it, they left the boy all alone with a broken screen and a broken heart while some were rushed friends that were photographed with him to help his father stop worrying about him and his ability to socialize. As he reached his prime time which was on 5th grade, he met a kid named Kuroo. The kid would refuse to leave the small boy’s side so he could make sure that he was safe. Kuroo was the sweetest and most caring friend he had that wasn’t interested in him because he was fed by a silver spoon nor was he interested so he could have gifts from the latter’s father because he was his ‘friend’. He was his first best friend but he guessed, nothing really do lasts forever, as the aforementionedboy left town without even saying his farewells or goodbyes to him, he just simply left. 

He left him as if they weren’t spending the nights together in a little pillow castle that the two made in Kenma’s huge room; as if they weren’t eating their lunches together in a small apple tree near the lake that was supposed to be restricted but neither of them knew how to read (kuroo) or just plainly ignored the warning (kenma); as if he wasn’t Kuroo’s cheerleader whenever the latter had a volleyball match when they reached 7th grade; as if he wasn’t Kuroo’s wing man when he sets him up to a girl he met online that was interested in athletic boys; as if he was nothing but a boy that happened to be the neighbor’s kid. 

————

“I am taking my pills daily!” Kenma raised his voice higher when his old family doctor wasn’t buying the fact that he doesn’t throws up the pills that were made exclusively for him and his condition. The pills were a grand to make.

“Okay, I’ll finally believe you since it’s my last day here” The old man told him as he was rummaging through his doctor’s bag to find his things so he can start checking up on the boy that was laying down on the hospital bed with a hospital gown. God, Kenma felt like he could combust of embarrassment when he looks at himself through the mirror wearing nothing but these flimsy gowns.

“Why? Are you dying?” Kenma chuckled when the doctor rolled his eyes and went to sanitize his things before using them on the latter. To say that Kenma’s panicking was an understatement, he was mentally having a meltdown at the thought of having another doctor that he was unfamiliar with other than the old man in the room. Other than heart failure, he has Social Phobia or Social Anxiety Disorder to be precise. A kind of anxiety where you get anxious overwhelmingly whenever you are near a person you’re not familiar with or just a person in general. This disorder is also the reason he had to go to a therapist weekly to stabilize the latter’s mental health. A life to be enjoyed, really.

“I’m getting older” The doctor said with a warm smile on his face but his words were the opposite. Kenma felt his heart ache of the thought of losing someone who’s been by his side. Forever, truly a myth that he once believed when he was a young kid with a dream of eternity.

“My nephew will be replacing me” The doctor said before he went to check on Kenma’s vital signs to see if the aforementioned boy really did take his pills or meds daily. Kenma hummed as respond as the doctor continued, “He’s around your age so I hope the two of you would get along” Kenma side-eyes the elder man and slumped his shoulders at the thought of casually getting to know a person that easily. Would’ve agreed to the doctor’s remarks of them becoming friends if it wasn’t for this disorder of his which was the reason he couldn’t go outside and actually socialize with real people, instead he spends hours playing games and watch 2 dimensional characters so he wouldn’t feel lonely on the inside.

“I hope he’s not as annoying as you” Kenma snickered when the doctor glared at him playfully. I’ll miss him, he thought as he smiled at him. “Sorry to burst your bubble, young man but he’s a descendant of mine” The doctor said before checking Kenma’s temperature so he could finally be done with the boy’s check up since he knows how much the small boy hated these appointments so he tends to be considerate considering the boy’s disorder.

“God bless myself then” 

————

Kenma visibly groaned at the deafening sound of his alarm clock at 7:50 in the morning. He smashed the device which was quick to silence itself down by the lard hammering of the boy’s fist to its base. He grabbed his phone from the drawer beside his bed to see if there were any events or occasions that he’d be doing right now.

Meeting the new doctor

“Fuck” He cursed, standing up from his bed and rushing to shower. The scheduled time was 8:00 a.m. in the morning but as expected, he woke up at 7:50 when he clearly set up 4 different alarms at 6:00 a.m. to give him more time so he can come up with different sentences that he could throw in a conversation.

The water glistened on his skin when he felt the warm sun through the small window on his bathroom. He stared blankly on the mirror while he wrapped a towel on his hips, running his fingers through his long ombré hair of black to blond. He got outside the room to change into his casual clothes. His baggy clothes that helps cover the scars of his past that seemed to have defined him today. The ugly scars that were a sign of how hard it was.

He went to take his daily pills, grabbed his umbrella to cover his skin from the fiery rays of the sun. 

After what felt like hours, he finally arrived at the hospital with the nurses greeting him with ‘good morning’s and as usual, he went to his private room to change into a sanitized hospital gown that was laid out and ready for him. After he struggled to put the cloth on but succeeded at the end, he went to lay on his soft bed as he waits for an unfamiliar face to enter the room. 

He fidgets with his fingers when he hears the approaching footsteps outside. His breathing became unstable and his heart rate starts to quicken.

“Good morning!” A familiar voice entered the room but as expected of the growing anxiety in the pit of his stomach, he was quick to look down and avert his gaze so he couldn’t look at the doctor he wasn’t familiar with yet his voice felt as if he knew him just by the strong scent of his cologne that seemed to have taken over the room.

“Kenma?” Kenma was stunned as he registered the voice of the man who said his name. It can’t be, he thought as his eyes grew wide of the familiarity. He swallowed a lump down his throat and eased his breathing before an episode suddenly starts happening in which he can’t control.

How and Why. He finally locked gazes with the new doctor inside the room that was nowhere near unfamiliar or new to him. No, he was so familiar to the petite boy that he still remembers the said doctor’s features of his face down to the moles on his feet. All of the memories that Kenma wishes to forget replayed in his head and it’s as if his heart was aching to ask him all the question he has yet to ask but he couldn’t because what would he say? Words wouldn’t leave his mouth even if he wanted to, he just felt helpless. He didn’t even realize that tears were already falling from his eyes when he felt the drop of his tears fall onto the back of his hand that were trembling and were gripping on the soft blanket of his.

“Kuroo” A word finally left his mouth and it was his name. The name that left him and his unstable state before. He hates saying it, hates how his heart felt safe yet afraid, a feeling that causes a riot inside him. A feeling of longingness that he has to brush off. “Why” The word that Kenma has uttered wasn’t a question but it was a demand, a demand to explain everything. But what is there to explain? The answer was right there in front of him. Kuroo was a successful doctor and he was practically glowing but he, on the other hand, was dying alone in an apartment that he doesn’t pay for.

“So you left me to become a doctor?” Kenma asked, never breaking their gazes but this time, it was Kuroo who broke the eye contact. He looked embarrassed and ashamed as he looks down and bows his head. Kuroo felt so small when he feels the gaze of Kenma’s eyes on him. 

“No, I could never leave you for a reason like this” He said without bringing back the gaze that he once gave the petite boy on his hospital bed, he couldn’t say anything if he did. “I left so I could find myself” Kuroo said in a whispered voice but it was loud enough for Kenma to hear. He snickered when he heard the words leave the black haired boy’s mouth. 

Find himself? When Kenma, himself was with him for all of the years that they were together and he hasn’t even found himself. All those years together and he left him so he could find his own self being? Selfish, that’s what went through Kenma’s mind when he heard Kuroo’s words. 

“And did you?” Kenma asked in a tone that needed answers. Answers that he desperately wants to know but the answer that Kuroo gave was the deafening silence of the room yet it was an enough answer for him. 

“I have a disorder that gives me panic attacks when I’m near people” The ombré haired boy said with his eyes now averting from the black haired boy’s eyes. He didn’t want to push the topic any further since it only causes his heart to ache. He already has heart failure, dying right at the moment on his hospital bed in front of the boy he despises would be an embarrassment. The doctor hummed in response with a low whisper of “I know and I understood” as he went to sit on his chair and organize his things on the desk in front before examining the boy’s vitals and condition with the papers that his uncle, Kenma’s last doctor, gave him.

The two boys were silent for the whole morning except for the times that Kuroo had to ask Kenma for specific questions regarding his condition and his mental health so Kuroo can further understand the boy without really getting too close to him.

It was already three in the afternoon and Kenma was exhausted from laying on the bed for too long. The action made his hips hurt and his bottom ache, he needed to at least stretch his legs or arms.

“Can I go home?” Kenma asked without meeting the doctor’s eyes, instead he looks at the TV monitor in front of his bed to stray away from feeling of the doctor’s gaze on him. 

“You can’t. You have to stay here. On your recent episode, it triggered your heart too much that it caused you to black out which happened yesterday” Kuroo explains to Kenma as he looks at him, having the chance to fully observe the changes on Kenma. He wasn’t the glowing boy he was before, he looked pale and very small. He wasn’t the boy who never passed a day without smiling to him and saying ‘We’re gonna live forever, Kuroo. I promise’ because now Kuroo knows forever never existed and will never exist as he’s looking at Kenma’s body that was all skin and bones. He felt like suffocating, looking at the helpless boy’s body. He couldn’t do anything but study his body furthermore to come up with a cure but he wasn’t a cardiothoracic surgeon that can perform an open surgery on the latter so he can give him a heart that’s meant for him, he was just a cardiologist that only assess and diagnose disorders of the heart. He chose this career because of him anyways.

“So I’m gonna stay here for?”

“Only a month” 

“Fine” Kenma said softly as he finally looks at Kuroo, he smiled bitterly at how things turned out. The boy who was the reason of the worsening of his panic attacks when he was a kid is now his doctor that’s finding a way to cure him that is if there really is a cure, he wouldn’t need it anyway. He wished to die and a boy from his past won’t change his mind.

—————

“Since I can’t go near you to prevent an episode, I found a way to help us communicate without the need of having to go near you to hear clearly” Kuroo said as he entered the room, bringing a paper bag that had two tin cans inside. 

“What exactly are you planning to do?” Kenma asked with his eyebrows knitted, confusion evident on his face. Kuroo chuckled, getting the two tin cans out of the bag that were connected with a string.

“We can talk through a tin can telephone just like what we did when we were kids” Kuroo smiled softly, reminiscing all of the memories he wish he could engrave into his mind so he wouldn’t forget everything that the two went through together. The memories that were flooding his head; the memories that he couldn’t and wouldn’t forget even after years have passed. Kenma was the reason he got through everything that he was shouldering ever since he was small kid that had no friends at all.

Kenma just hummed at the idea because as much as he wants to hate the latter, the idea was actually a good one. Through Kuroo’s idea, he can prevent further episodes from happening and it can help them talk clearly. It was like hitting two birds with one stone precisely. 

Kuroo went to lay the tin can on the drawer next to Kenma’s bed and went to the grab the tin can on the other end that he placed on his desk. The doctor went to test the telephones by asking, “Are you okay?” to the petite boy.

“Shouldn’t you be asking me if it’s working?” Kenma asked into the can with his right eyebrow raised up. Kuroo just laughed breathlessly and went on to say, “It actually works”.

————

Three days have passed ever since Kuroo came up with the ‘tin can telephone’ plan for the two to converse properly without the need for Kuroo to approach Kenma when he’s whispering but neither have them spoken casually other than questions regarding the younger’s medical condition. Although they weren’t on the ‘talking’ stage between friends but the ambiance with the two seemed to have eased. The silence wasn’t that uncomfortable anymore and the quick glances between the two became longer. 

Although they were on great terms, happiness is never permanent. When you take a step forward, another also takes a step back.

“Are you taking the prescribed pills properly?” Kuroo asked through the tin can telephone and yes, the small talks that the two shared were through a tin can. 

“Yes, doctor” Kenma replied monotonously through the can. Kuroo huffed a breath when he heard Kenma call him ‘doctor’ and as much as he loves being treated professionally, he prefers that Kenma talks to him casually as if nothing as changed when a lot has changed throughout the years of them being apart but he chooses to turn a blind eye to it. It’s better than acting like complete strangers at least.

“Don’t call me that” He says to the small frame that’s laying on the bed. Kenma snickers at that and raises his right eyebrow with a playful smirk plastered on his face. 

“Why? Doesn’t it boost your ego that you’re a professional?” ‘and I’m not’, Kenma mumbled the last words as to not hurt his selfish pride as a person that has no dreams and not guilt-trip Kuroo but why would Kuroo feel the guilt and remorse of him failing when he deserved it? He deserves what he is now. From giving up on reaching his dreams because he was sick to just laying in bed, scrolling through his newsfeed of his batchmates having their dream jobs and having the best life when he’s bedridden. 

“Why would it boost my ego and my pride?” Kuroo softly asked through the telephone when he notices the boy in front of him stray his eyes and went to stare at the window instead.

“Because you deserve it.You deserve everything that you are right now. A doctor, a professional and a man that has reached his dreams even if it meant leaving me behind” Kenma raises his voice a little higher that the tin can wasn’t that much needed as his voice echoes through the room. His heart rate was racing and his breathing was starting to become unstable but with control, he managed to calm himself down.

“You don’t know that. Stop it” Kuroo gritted his teeth as the words roll over his tongue. Kenma just looked at him, unimpressed and was in disbelief. He hates talking about it. About the past that has caused the two to stray further from eachother. The problem that he kept hidden because it would only cause more problems to arise and he wouldn’t want that; didn’t want Kenma to get hurt because of him but he did, he caused pain to the person he cherishes.

Kenma exhaled a breath and rested his head on the soft pillow, looking at the ceiling above him and wishing it’d collapse on his helpless body and he wouldn’t ask for help. What is there to help anyways? Why would there be help when death is already destined for him. Help would be useless.

“I want to help you” Kuroo said with a shaky voice that made the long haired boy glance at him. Kuroo’s hands were trembling as he clasps on the metal object in his hands and it’s as if it was Kenma’s heart that he clasping so hardly. 

“But to what extent? What is there to help? I’m dying and I know” Kenma said with a trembling voice but he coughs it up to not let his walls down; the walls that he had built for years and years. He can’t let the person who made him build those walls, tear them down.

“No you don’t. You can live by a donor, you know that” Kuroo said in a flat tone with a hard gaze at the petite boy who just rolls his eyes and sighs once again loudly.

“Of course, I know that but I also know that donors don’t just fall from the sky with the same blood type as me” Kenma rolls over his bed, facing the window with the autumn leave falling from the tall trees outside and how he wishes he’d shower with the leaves falling. It can be his death wish. A wish that he wants to fulfill before he’s dead would be a good reason to give him permission to go outside. 

“Don’t you want to live longer?” Kenma rustles and shifts on his bed to face Kuroo again. He looks at him with tired eyes and a tired smile to show him that he’s tired, confused and scared. Tired because life was nevergood to him; confused because at a time and situation like this where it looks like he’s dying, he would be happy but why does he suddenly feel empty and regretful when he sees the other boy’s face full of despair and dismay; scared because no one wants to die and neither does him.

“Why would I want that? I’m tired and dying seems to be a good rest for a person that’s tired of life right?” Kenma exhales a breath again to control his staggering breaths. He shifts in his bed to face the window to the view of the leaves endlessly falling from the trees and Kuroo takes it a sign for him to take his leave. He stood up from his desk slowly and his thing organized neatly already on his desk with a last lingering gaze on the petite frame on the hospital bed with his back facing him as he closes the door.

———

It’s been a week since Kenma started staying in his private hospital room and much to say, nothing much has happened other than their little feud. Small conversations that were purely professional were the only thing that the two of them have exchanged with the days that have passed other than the longing stares made by Kuroo and the quick glances made by Kenma. Neither of them said a word about what had happened between them from the past and neither of them brought it up.

“Have you been drinking water regularly?” 

“Yes” Kenma responds with Kuroo filling in the papers that were needed to be filled up to finish his daily check up. He glanced on the window beside his bed and realized it was already autumn and he didn’t even notice the seasons changing. You see, Kenma loves fall. Loves how each of the leaves that were gracefully falling onto the ground. Loves how the color of the leaves were the same as his hair. Loves it because it was the season when the two boys met.

“I still remember how much you love fall” Kuroo said when he noticed Kenma gazing at the window for too long that he didn’t answer the question he asked regarding his vitals. 

“And what about it?” 

Kenma shifted his eyes from looking at the window to Kuroo when he hears the shuffling of a bag and the sound of a zipper being opened. He saw him get a thin book and Kenma’s confusion grew bigger. Is he gonna read me a bedtime story at midday?, he thought to himself but his thought was quick to die down when Kuroo seems to be looking at the pages. “That’s why I got you this” Kuroo slowly showed a single leaf with its beautiful hues of orange and brown that blended so perfectly. The perfect symbol to represent autumn. A koyo.

Kuroo stood up from his desk on the corner of the room to place the said leaf on the drawer beside the bed and swiftly went back to sit on his chair and finish the papers that were assigned to him. 

After what felt like hours that Kenma had stared at the leaf that was given to him, he hastily gets the leaf and his hearts felt so full. The leaf didn’t just smell like autumn or fall but it also smelled like him. The strong cologne that Kuroo wore when the two of them met that day in autumn as kids and until now, the scent of the cologne Kuroo wore always felt and smelled like home to him. It still hasn’t changed.

“Thank you”

———

It marks a week since he’s been in the hospital and things between them took a step back. The atmosphere between the two when they first met came back and is worse than ever. The two of them communicating and talking through the tin can telephone only if it’s really necessary and when nothing seems to be a topic, a deafening silence fills the room that’s hard not to notice. 

As time passes by, Kenma seems to have worsen. The rapid increase of his dizziness and his lack of appetite made him weaker and paler yet his stoic expression never leaves his face. Even when he’s hurting, he keeps a straight face especially when he’s in front of the other boy that he’s desperately trying to ignore but sometimes pain is too much to handle.

Just when he heard the sound of his door closing after Kuroo just examined him thoroughly with small words being exchanged, he gasps loudly when he suddenly loses his breath. The suffocating feeling on his heart seems to have worsen and all he sees is darkness with no light at all to even help him get out of the darkness that’s slowly swallowing him.

“Kenken!” A cheery voice of a kid from the distance and a faint light ignites within the suffocating black hole that he’s trapped in. The voice slowly fades and the light seems to flicker away and Kenma notices that he’s already running; running to catch up on the fading light.

“Kenma” A dark voice echoed throughout the dark that stopped him on his tracks. Kuroo, Kenma thought as he runs around the dark finding where the voice came from but there is nothing but a void of darkness, no light at all that could help him at least.

“Kenma” the third call of his name was louder than the two. It was loud enough to make him cover his ears and look ahead at the direction of where the said voice came from. As he approaches to it, a faint light appears out and his heartbeat was racing faster than ever. He feels the warmth of the beaming light and suddenly, he felt weightless on somebody’s arms.

“Kenma” Kenma opens his eyes and welcomes the sight of the golden brown eyes of the boy he was least happy to be with. Kuroo Tetsuro.

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asks the younger between the two with his hands tightening its hold on the latter’s small wrists that felt so skinny and small compared to his thick and rough forearms.

“You think so? I’m literally lying on the ground” Kenma scoffs at him and helps himself stand up but due to the weight of his fall, his legs weren’t able to support his weight that caused him to stumble but before even hitting the ground and falling, large hands got ahold of his thin body that prevented him from falling too hard on the ground.

“Thanks”

———

After the incident of him collapsing, his confinement in the hospital got worse with the time that was once one month is now being extended to two months with only a small amount of past time activities that could entertain the living hell out of him because if he wasn’t dying anytime soon, he’d rush out of this hospital.

Although it extended his time in the hospital, the incident also brought them a bit closer with Kuroo asking questions (still through the tin can telephone) that were shared with a person-to-person relationship and not a patient-to-doctor one. People may say their too late to be acting like that but to the both of them, the small step was already a celebration that must be held. Their conversations became longer and they would sometimes forget that the past never happened, that Kuroo never left Kenma.

“Was med school hard for you?” Kenma suddenly asked when Kuroo was writing down about the daily check ups regarding Kenma’s condition. He looks up to glance at Kenma and chuckles as he remembers every struggle he faced when he was still a student at one of the top medical schools in Japan.

“It was actually but because I had a goal, I made it” Kuroo said before continuing to write down details and whatnot on the papers that were scattered everywhere. Kenma hums in response with a small smile on his face while he remembers himself wanting to be a cardiologist like Kuroo when he was younger. The thought of treating and assessing people’s cardiovascular health or particularly hearts was the petite boy’s dream before but who would’ve thought that it was his heart who needed treatment. 

“Must be good for you” Kuroo lifts his head up to face the boy infront of him with a tired smile on his face. 

“It isn’t”

“Why would it not be good for you? You’re living here on this world with a successful life and a successful job that treat pathetic people with a weak heart like me” Kuroo knits his eyebrows as he glares at the younger in front of him. He stops writing to thoroughly look at Kenma and tilts his head to the right.

“You’re not pathetic” Kuroo replied softly to ease the tension that’s slowly building again another fight that causes them to take a step back when he worked so hard for the steps forward.

“Yes, I am! A guy that can’t do anything with his life because of this sick condition of his” Kenma’s voice was raspy with a shaky voice. His body was trembling as the words roll over his tongue. The pain that he’s been keeping for too long. He’s dying anyways so why not let it out even if it hurts other people.

“Kenma, drop it. Why does every conversation lead to arguments? I want us to be bestfriends again” Kuroo was already pleading through the telephone with his eyes full of sincerity and hope for the two to be okay. He knows it’s his fault that they became like this ever since he left town. The town who had a boy that he was meant to help. A broken boy with broken dreams and hopes but he was a coward. A coward who was afraid to face the consequences of every action he does because he, too, was facing demons of his own.

“This isn’t an argument, Kuroo. I want you to tell me what went wrong that you left me?” Kenma’s breath was unstable and suddenly, the walls that he was building up for so long were slowly collapsing. He kept his tears at bay because he won’t cry.

“I left because I couldn’t help you” 

“I don’t need help from you! All I wanted was for you to stay by my side while I deal with this condition of mine. Was that too much to ask for?” He was already crying when the words came out of his mouth. Kenma held his breath and exhaled loudly when he tasted the salty tears that were running down his plump cheeks. 

“I was facing my own demons too but you didn’t know that” Kuroo spit the words like venom. The words came out of Kuroo’s mouth and Kenma suddenly felt like suffocating. Kenma always thought that he knew Kuroo like the back of his hand but it turns out he knew nothing about him at all. 

“You were my best friend. I thought I knew you” Kenma mumbled lowly under his breath but the hard gaze that he gave to the older never wavered. His lips were trembling as he took one last lingering gaze on the older. The room felt like a void of silence that were suffocating the both of them. 

After what felt like forever, the silence was broken when it was Kuroo who spoke up. “I never meant to leave you” 

“But you did”

Weeks have passed and it was already the last week of Kenma’s stay at the hospital. Although there were a lot of arguments between the two of them, there were also warm and comforting conversations between them. It was as if the missing piece that the two had lost along the years of being apart was slowly beginning to piece itself. All the nights and days of having to feel the emptiness inside their hearts that were longing for eachother were worth it, if it meant having to feel the warmth of eachother again. Even if Kenma doesn’t show it, Kuroo knows. Kuroo knows that he’s been handling pain ever since he’s been diagnosed. He knows that Kenma’s façade of a careless young boy who doesn’t care what the future holds for him is simply a mask for him so people that surrounds him wouldn’t bat a single eye at him when he’s in trouble or in pain. He knows Kenma’s afraid, so afraid that he appreciates things that fascinates him so he wouldn’t regret not having to care because he do cares. Everyone has their own demons, sometimes they lose but sometimes they win and for Kenma’s case, he’s slowly winning.

It was already in the evening when Kuroo walks down the hallways of the silent hospital with a smile on his face, a smile full of satisfaction that through the days and weeks that him and Kenma’s been interacting, the younger was slowly getting warmer with him. The happiness of the thought of Kenma being discharged and the two of them finally going out boosts his serotonin all the way. 

It was already 8 in the evening and since it was his night shift, he checks on all the patients in the hospital if there were any signs or sounds of distress coming from the rooms since patients tend to feel distress when the sun’s down and the moon is shining, quite cruel but life’s simply like that. Life can never be expected. Life either punches you on the stomach or pats you softly on the head, nothing in between. In Kuroo’s case, he thinks it’s finally time for life to pat him softly on the head since he’s been receiving too many punches. 

Just as he was finishing up his shift and is going to check on Kenma for the last time and also stare at the latter’s face for a minimum of 5 minutes before heading to an on-call room to rest a little bit, a raspy groan came from the latter’s room followed by a loud thud with the clattering of things. Kuroo knits his eyebrows and stops his steps to fully hear the sound that was coming from Kenma’s room.

Kuroo opens the sliding door softly to avoid waking the other patients. He squints his eyes as he was met with darkness but the bright light coming from the moon gave enough light to show the petite boy groaning in pain with a hand clenching his hospital gown right on his heart. The boy opens his eyes from the blinding light coming from the door where Kuroo is standing. His eyes were filled with tears that were now falling down to the ground, his breathing was unstable and pain was plastered all over his face. He cries in pain as he lays his body down to the ground, feeling the pain on his chest as he fails to breath with his body shaking.

“Please” He pleads as he reaches his hand out to the doctor standing by the door. Kuroo’s face became pale and his body went numb when he saw the patient laying on the ground, helpless and trembling. His hands were shaking with his tears at bay. He releases an shaky sigh as his tears were pouring down his cheeks and down to the floor

After years of training to become a doctor to help the boy he cherished was flushed down the drain because he couldn’t move, too afraid to cause the boy more pain that he only stood there in shock. God, he never even wanted to become a doctor. He always wanted to be a pilot but when he saw Kenma cry so much that he had to clutch on his shirt (and Kenma hardly cries) all because he was different from the other kids and that he’s got a weak heart made him want to devote his studies to cardiology so he can help him but here he was, unable to move. His breathing became unstable and his face was full of disbelief of what’s in front of him. No, he thought with his tears endlessly falling to the ground.

Life is full of surprises. From the saying, “Expect the Unexpected”, he certainly never thought the unexpected to come like this. All of the thoughts he once had inside his head that were filled with laughs, giggles, happiness and love were shattered by the sight that had welcomed him. Who would’ve thought that a week full of growth and joy between the two would result to a night that he had nightmares of. A nightmare that he was awoken before, his body gleaming with sweat and his heartbeat had rushed. A nightmare of Kenma slowly giving up. He had given up. 

“Kenma” He whispers under his breath. It wasn’t a call for the boy in front of him but a realization that this patient wasn’t just anybody. It was the boy who he had been thinking about. The boy he left yet never forgot about him. The boy whom he devoted his life for. The boy who strayed away the sadness that was consuming him when he was a kid. The boy who was now on the floor, reaching out to him for help because of his aching heart.

“Please Kuroo” Kenma’s voice broke, clenching on his hospital gown. The floor and his clothes was now wet with tears and sweat as he fails to breathe. Kuroo rushes to the pale boy’s arms that were reaching out for him. He embraced him with a tight hug, he cries in agony as he screams for help.

He quickly carries the petite boy onto his bed carefully, staring at his pale skin and lips that contrasted with his golden yellow eyes that were staring at Kuroo’s honey brown ones. His eyes were full of regret and desperation. Regret that he lived his life with pain that he forgot to feel what happiness felt like until just two weeks ago. He finally realized that all along, he was loved now that it was too late. He wants to be more happy. He wants to feel all the emotions that he couldn’t focus on because he always reminded himself that life is ugly yet the beauty of it was shown to him when his life was almost due it’s time. Life is truly unfair but he couldn’t give up even when the chances of living couldn’t equate to his chances of dying buthe wants to live. 

“I want to live. Please” Kenma pleads with his hands clenching on the doctor’s robe. He felt pathetic and embarrassed. He was wishing for his life to end just weeks ago but now when he’s actually at his final hours, he’s pleading for his life. Pleading for help even when he knows it’s too late for that. Too late to be asking for help when he knows he’ll be dying in a few minutes but he couldn’t help it. 

“You will. Trust me” Kuroo assures him with their hands clasped that fitted perfectly together. Kenma smiles weakly at the doctor, letting his tears to fall down with the walls that he’s built. He closes his eyes with a sigh that felt like it was his last breath. He hears the sobs of Kuroo that’s rushing his hospital bed to the emergency room. Always such a crybaby, he thought with a fond smile on his face. He remembers how much a crybaby Kuroo was once. When Kuroo cried so loudly when Kenma fell down on a rock that had wounded his knee and shoulders. When Kuroo cried because Kenma just turned 7 because apparently he’s old. When Kuroo and Kenma weren’t classmates that his father had to beg the teachers and the principal to keep them together in one room to stop his weeping. He remembers how Kuroo would lower his face to cover his face when he’s told to stop crying. The fond smile that was plastered on the petite boy’s face never left as he felt nurses try and help the doctor that had carried him.

“I trust you, Kuroo” Kenma closes his eyes, finding the air to breathe as he felt Kuroo’s tears on his cheek. He feels the wintry air against his skin when he felt the bed being pushed. The cold wind kissed his skin softly and all he could do was smile. 

————

What Kenma saw first was darkness. Although he was always afraid of the dark and not having to see anything, the dark that surrounded him now was comforting. The dark that once suffocated him was now welcoming him. He stood up from laying down on the dark abyss and tried to walk through the dark but he decided to stop when he felt that he’s only running in circles as the black hole was endless.

As minutes passed by with nothing but darkness to see, a voice of a cheerful kid was heard within the black void. The voice made him tremble because he can recognize that voice everywhere and anywhere: Kuroo. A faint light appears in front of him but it wasn’t a passageway nor a tunnel leading to a place but it was showing him memoirs of two little kids with broken hearts.

From the day they first met; the day they first hung out together as friend; the day they realized they had a bond fitting for a bestfriend; the day Kuroo forced him to go outside and play volleyball with him; the day they first went stargazing and when he told Kuroo that he was sick; the day Kuroo got his first girlfriend and him being the best wingman; the day Kuroo played in a volleyball match and he was there to cheer him even when his check up was scheduled on that day too; the day when Kuroo cried to him because he broke up with his first girlfriend; the day Kuroo suddenly stopped hanging out with him and the day his parents told him that Kuroo moved out of town with his father without him saying goodbye. The memories of them being children kept replaying again and all Kenma did was stand in awe of what they’ve went through with his tears falling. He broke down on the floor chanting the doctor’s name when he knows Kuroo can’t hear him. He doesn’t even know if he’s actually dead or not. All he knows is that he needs him. He needs to live to tell him how he feels.

The memories stopped playing, the faint light enlarging to the point it was blinding him. He closes his eyes, letting the bright light swallow him and embrace his frame.

After a few seconds had passed with nothing happening, he opens his eyes and is welcomed with a strange room but this strange room felt familiar, so familiar because it was his room at the hospital. He lifts his body up using his thin arms and was surprised when a nurse suddenly enters the room and was as surprised as him. The said nurse closes the door to his room and runs across the hallway, asking for a doctor with words saying, “he has waken up!”

Minutes have passed and a familiar face enters the room. Kenma smiles softly as he recognizes the said doctor, it was his family doctor or is known to be Kuroo’s uncle. Although Kenma had a smile plastered on his face, confusion was also evident because it wasn’t his doctor. Realisation hits him like a cold splash of water when he sees no sign of his doctor, Kuroo.

“Where’s Kuroo?” Kenma asked with uneasiness as he knits his eyebrows, his eyes searching for the doctor he had yet to no avail, he was nowhere to be found. 

The doctor’s smile never wavers as he hesitantly approaches Kenma. When Kenma smiles back at him with a slight nod, it gives the doctor a sign that it’s okay for him to approach the petite boy on the bed. The said doctor sits on his hospital bed with a neat red envelope in his hands. Confusion was plastered on the latter’s face as he continues to ask where Kuroo might be.

“He’s here” The doctor says with his hands pointing to the petite boy’s heart. Kenma laughs at the doctor’s words, thinking that he meant Kuroo is in his heart as a metaphor that he likes him.

“What do you mean he’s here? Where?” Kenma asks, confusion evident on his face as he looks at the doctor who just smiles at him. 

“Here” The doctor points at his beating heart and it’s as if all air was knocked out of him. He suddenly couldn’t breath with his body slowly trembling and his eyes were filled with tears. His eyebrows were furrowed and his smile was fading with unstable breaths leaving his lungs. Kenma chants the words ‘no’ again and again like a broken record because this was a mistake. A mistake that shouldn’t happen because why would it be Kuroo

“Don’t joke around. You know that can’t happen. He can’t be my donor, he’s my doctor!” Kenma raises his voice with tears falling down his rosy cheeks. This can’t be happening. It can’t happen and it won’t happen.

The doctor’s smile faded with tears threatening to fall down. He was actually just trying his best to smile awhile ago. His hands made its way into Kenma’s own. “After you had collapsed because of lack of oxygen during a heart attack it resulted to a coma. The doctors had concluded that you wouldn’t make it because of the lack of donors suitable for you” His family doctor stopped to wipe the tears on his cheeks while Kenma’s tears kept flowing down on his hospital gown that was now stained with tears.

He collapses on the floor with tears threatening to fall any moment as he processes what he’s been told. He not only lost his doctor but he lost his friend, his protector ever since they were mere children, mindless of the future that is to come which is happening right beyond his very eyes, a loss.

He felt the world crumble beneath his feet with his tears doing the same. He felt as if his whole heart, body and him entirely were so attached to the doctor that he felt lifeless at the news that was being said to him. Truly ironic. Just as he was about to open his eyes in happiness that he’s survived; that he’s given another chance to live and love but of course, nothing comes easily.

“After you had fallen into a coma, he took his life away” Kenma stopped breathing as he cries loudly with his heart aching, the unbearable pain of the loss. He felt as if his heart stopped beating and his breathing halted. He felt lifeless with his loud cries that filled the room so familiar yet so empty.

“He sent me a voice message before it happened” The doctor said with his shaking hands fishing his phone from the pockets of his robe. He went to open his phone to search for the voice message. He hastily offers his phone for Kenma to listen properly, standing up from where he was seated on the patient’s bed.

“Please give him my heart after I pass away” 

“Kuroo” Kenma whispers under his breath, replaying the single voice message again and again just to hear his voice once again. Oh how he’d wish to turn back time just so he can see and hear him again even for one last time. One last time is enough just to tell him how much he adores the older. How much he misses him and his little habits and features. Kuroo’s sly smile when he teases the petite boy. His right eyebrow that lifts up everytime Kenma playfully teases him. His honey brown eyes that glimmer whenever Kenma smiles at him. His hair that stays glued up because Kenma thought it was cool when they were kids.

“While you were in a coma, he told me to give you this letter” The doctor softly said as he excuses himself from the room saying that he needs to tend to his patients and that he’ll give the latter the space and privacy he needs as he reads the letter. Kenma mutters a low ‘thank you’ and hastily grabs the paper that was resting on his nightstand that the doctor had placed. 

Kenma, 

If you’re reading this then I’m no longer by your side. You may hate me for my decision but all my life, I’ve devoted my life to you. This isn’t your fault, all of this isn’t. Life is horrible and ugly but life also has its beauty because it brought me to you. You brought light and happiness to the once dull boy who had a broken heart and healed it but as it’s repayment, it broke your heart (literally). They say God gave us soulmates for us to be complete, I’m not even that religious but I know you’re the soulmate he gave. You brought back the light that had once gone when my mother had left me. You brought back the color to the dull and boring life of mine with your bright golden eyes that sparkle everytime we talk about our favorite things; with your long eyelashes that gives chade to your eyes when the sun’s too bright; with your soft and warm smile that gives me hope to actually live a longer life. You gave me the reason to live again and I wanted to return the favor, I wanted to devote my life to you through studies, hobbies and my lifestyle. The boy that once dreamed of being a pilot became a doctor for the one he loves yet he broke him when he left. I left you just so I could save you. The guilt I felt when I heard that your condition had worsen was unbearable that I had to beg just so they can transfer me to a hospital near you. I did everything I could do but when I realized that I couldn’t do anything at all but watch you suffer, I decided to give you my life. You’re the reason I continued living so when life takes you away from me, living would be meaningless for me. After learning about your condition, I had to search for donors that were the same blood type as yours yet none of them were the same except mine. We really are soulmates and I wouldn’t ask for more. Maybe in another life, we’d be the sappy old couples but for now, we’re soulmates who aren’t meant to be.

After I am gone, remember that I will forever be by your side. I will be the leaves that fall on our favorite season. I will be the wind on a windy weather that embraces you. I will be the snowflakes falling from the sky to give you a kiss each time it falls on your cheek. I will be the rain that is pouring down on your plants and flowers to give color to your surroundings. I will be everywhere but far from you.

Through my heart, we will never be apart. Although I may be gone, my love for you will carry on through the beating of my heart. I love you.

Forever yours,  
Kuroo

Kenma clasps the letter tightly in his hand, silently weeping. He continues to cry because what else can he do when all is said and done already. He can’t turn back time but if he could, he would’ve never befriended Kuroo. If he would’ve never befriended him, dying would be a satisfaction with no strings pulling on his heart because of the thought of leaving someone behind but he couldn’t blame Kuroo. He couldn’t because he gave him a chance to live again now that Kuroo’s gave him a new perspective to life. Kuroo gave him a chance to live to finally appreciate life’s beauty and flaws. 

Kuroo once lived and loved for him, it was now his turn to return the favor and live to love life.

————

Months have passed and it was already autumn with leaves and their shades of brown, yellow and red that were dancing with the wind as they fall to the ground. With the beautiful ambiance and weather, people were chattering with their friends, others were on a picnic date, others were strolling the park with their dogs and others were riding on their bicycles yet there was one boy who was seated on a bench near the park lake as he writes on his journal full of words that had decorated each page ever since the day he lost someone so dear. 

Ever since the day he recovered from his condition of heart failure, he went to write on his journal because he always loved to write about everything: animals, plants and people’s stories. Kenma went on to write a story, a story that revolves around two people that were soulmates but life wouldn’t allow them. It was a story about two people with broken hearts that were yearning for eachother’s healing. A story that was based on them but the only difference is that they still had eachother even when life had torn them apart which was not far of a difference from him and Kuroo’s story regarding he’s still with him. 

“You complete me” 

Kenma writes the last sentence in his story and closes his journal to inhale the air of the day’s weather. He’s still with me, he thought as he closes his eyes, relaxing his body to feel the bright rays of the sun that wasn’t too hot that could burn his skin but was warm enough to give him the feeling of being embraced by the bright light. 

“My heart is yours. Forever and always”


End file.
